Beware the Backseat Gamer

I would like to submit to you a profile. This profile is of a person. It is possible that this person has never played one game on any system, much less played it well. On the other end of the spectrum, this person may very well have played many games on many platforms. Either way, this person has no problem at all ruining your gaming experience, because whether or not this person has played the game you’re playing, he just knows more than you do. This is the Backseat Gamer.

Like the Backseat Driver, the Backseat Gamer will distract you, constantly nagging that you’re doing something wrong. This individual will yell out as you attempt to concentrate, and may even call you names if you don’t take their advice. And just like in backseat driving, such a distraction increases the likelihood of death. The worst part of it all is that the Backseat Gamer will blame you for not listening to them. This individual is by far, one of the most annoying humans known to gaming. And he can be anywhere.

Characteristics of a Backseat Gamer:

  • Has never played a game, but is telling you how to play your game.
  • Has played many games, beating them several times before you even thought of buying it, and will remind you of such.
  • Will spoil any secrets that you’ll try to unlock as you play.
  • May comment by saying, “I would have done this,” or “You should’ve done that,” or “Damn, you made a stupid move there, what are you doing?!”
  • Will refuse to take a controller if you offer it to him, saying something like “It’s your game.”

Advice for the Backseat Gamer:

Shut up: If your friend doesn’t ask for advice, don’t offer any. There’s nothing worse than a person who thinks they know it all, and you should especially remain silent if you’ve never even played before. If you’re handed a controller and forced to play, you might find that your wonderful advice may not have been so easy to execute. If you have played before, did you ever think that maybe you’re so good at this game because there was no jackass behind you barking commands?--Just food for thought. You may not like the way others play the game, but don’t make it their problem too.

Don’t create distractions: Heckling those who don’t play the game the way you do won’t change their ways. It will only cause distress and divert attention away from the game. Then you just might get beat the fuck up.

Play:If you’ve never played, please walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before attempting to school them, or be prepared to take the controller and embarrass yourself. For the more seasoned gamers, nobody cares how many times you’ve beaten the game. It doesn’t mean that you get to tell people how to play. If you think you can do better, take the controller. If not, remember that it’s my game and shut the fuck up.

Lastly, for those of you who have fallen victim to backseat gaming, remember to grab the controller, reach behind you, and hit that person as hard as you can with it. Maybe then, they will stop trying to be a Backseat Gamer.

...If you have any characteristics that you would like to add to the Backseat Gamer profile, please leave comments.